humanity under the hood had not changed over centuries, which made them predictable, which made one’s task all the more easier
once the dust settled, one could see how diluted the oil was
how clogged the air filter
people were still just as envious as they were before, salivating at ideas of doom and destruction
one saw this reflected in one’s own lust and desire, though one had begun to observe it more deeply and more closely than ever before, as a result, weakening it by a successful margin
perhaps, this small measure of success kept one alive
like a dog tuned inside out, one was for the first time in the history of mankind able to observe some people from as new a vantage point as they afforded themselves by stepping inside the sanctum sanctorum - we learnt a great deal about psychology, philosophy and the human condition - some lessons were genuinely new but they lived as undergrowth in the lesson the forest of the lessons which were as old as some of the trees around here, if not older.
everyone lies, they can’t help it and if they could, they’d still rather lie. something in evolutionary biology compels them, perhaps it is religion.
we learnt that old habits die hard, even at the risk of death one continues to do the same thing
one discovered how wonderful it is to live in nature again
one learnt how to handle insane amount of stress without faltering, snitching or stopping work
one still did not feel that what went on was morally heinous, though it was messy like all creation
they simply weren’t ready to accept the change standing at their doorstep, which made one feel as if one was somehow early, that there remained meaning to be extracted from this tale, though one was left with no desire to do so
meanwhile it also was somewhat apparent that the path ahead was narrow and choices limited, in some ways the road ahead seemed more deterministic than the next guy’s but one was now more adept at “off-roading”, having been beaten
in some ways the juice wasn’t worth the squeeze, in other ways it was worth more
things were bizarre indeed, and parents’ behaviour added to it, but still very much within the realm of comprehension of most people i guess
rationality is bounded equally on all sides for each perspective
to be human is to be a conundrum, a perpetual double bind
to err on the side of kindness, always
to be vulnerable yet vigilant, as if you can protect yourself
people were parochial and narrow minded as ever, not being able to see beyond money or politics or sex or music
people were unable to love, especially the “other”, not in the least someone like me who chose to proactively become an “other”, however insignificantly
lingering suspicions that there were those for this the whole thing was a failed masturbatory adventure which yielded less satisfaction than they expected, i remained alert for this reason
colors were asserted
seeing my own stupidity also helped
a measure of disdain against females was brewed in me, not that one cared about such things but my cares seemed more muted than before when it came to the fairer sex, suggestive, surrogate advertising of homosexuality aided in this, which was unfortunate because it made me turn inwards
in other words, where one once saw a human, one now saw mere “property” and it made one more indifferent towards my cause
if one wondered whether this is a disease, then one made it one, same for the concept of “sin” or other definitions of what was happening to one that were offered - people dared ask why and all one had to say was - why not - one just wanted to take a peek under the hood and just sort of stand there, stupefied, amazed, terrified - bewildered while one decided what to do next
one grew up in this chaos, and now, chaos was the only way to live
when one thought in terms of nationalities, there was ego, but when one thought as a human, there was just love
one learnt that society rewards effort, not intentions. and if the intentions are fresh, they might get punished, even as tough love.
one didn’t want to make more money because one didn’t know what to do with it
one wondered if one could face mother as diffidently as one used to, the relation having forever been altered, one was not as proud as before